Why do so many people waste their lives trying to convince others that they themselves are ‘better’ ? Or that others are ‘not good enough‘ ? Better than what – or not good enough for what? Why is life a contest and who made the rules? And why does our society seem to be getting so much worse and less tolerant?
I grew up in small town Saskatchewan. People were not judged by race or sexuality. We were rather oblivious to the major global issues in those days before internet access.
That is not to say that there was no bigotry and ignorance. People were judged by different criteria. From my earliest days, I was well aware of the judgemental nature of small town Saskatchewan. I was French Catholic and to make matters worse, my family lived on the lower end of the economic scale of things.
I grew up knowing that I was not good enough. From my earliest days, I did not understand why. I was kind – certainly kinder than those who dismissed me or taunted me for being ‘not good enough’. I was honest. I was as smart as any child in our school. I was always close to, or top of, my class academically. I was as attractive as any of the other children in my school (at least in my mind). I was physically challenged (I still am) – but who cares? It was not like my goals in life ever revolved around how far I could throw a ball, how fast I could run or how high I could jump. I did not understand why, but I was made very much aware that I was ‘not good enough’.
When I grew up I was often reminded that I was ‘not good enough’. I married into an Anglo-Saxon family who felt they were very much ‘better’ than anyone and certainly better than my family and I. I was constantly reminded that I was not good enough for them. My mother-in-law felt badly for the way they ‘had’ to treat me but she did once tell me that I would understand one day when my sons grew up and married cheap tramps. (Jokes on her – I have two daughters in law and both are amazing women – each in their own way!).
While there have been many good, kind people in my life, there has always been enough ignorant and judgemental neighbours, co-workers, employers, etc. around to remind me that I was ‘not good enough’. I do not know why I ever let them bother me, but I did.
It has taken me to retirement to realize I truly am done with people and their games and attitudes. I am happy living my little life of secluded retirement. I do not care who I am good enough for. I do not care about trying to be ‘better’ to meet their criteria for ‘good enough’.
I am good enough for my husband, my dog, and most of my family (depends on the day🙄). I am good enough for my current neighbours. I am good enough to enjoy the sun, clouds, rain, trees, flowers and rocks. I am good enough to enjoy the life that I am living. I am good enough to face myself in any mirror and know that I am a good person. I continue to learn and change as life goes on but I am now and I always will be, good enough for me!