Every time I resolve to do anything that I feel I really need to do, the universe kicks in to say “OH NO YOU DON’T” – or maybe the universe, like an old friend of mine, just thinks I enjoy a challenge. 🙄
At the beginning of every new year, I resolve to focus on something that I feel I should prioritize in my life. One year, I chose to focus on ‘happiness‘😋. I clearly remember the universe tossing me many, many opportunities to be crushed by overwhelming sadness ☹️. Another year, I chose to focus on ‘kindness’. The universe promptly sent me every asshat on the planet. In 2020, I chose ‘peace‘ as my focus 🙄. Nuff said🤦.
This year, for the entirety of 2021, I decided to focus on ‘beauty‘. What could go wrong? I climbed into bed last night, mellowed out with a couple of beautiful, relaxing, guided meditations, and gently drifted off to sleep. The universe blasted into my sleeping conciousness and brought me a solid seven hours of the ugliest nightmares that I have experienced in decades. WTF???
I crawled out of bed this morning, feeling beaten and bedraggled. I dragged myself to the kitchen to let Kat outside to 💩 on the sidewalk at the foot of the back steps. Meanwhile, I got her breakfast ready and poured Dan and I each a cup of lukewarm coffee. (Yes we need a new coffee pot – tomorrow’s mission).
The rest of the morning passed well enough – I got dressed and pulled myself together, straightened up our room, made a nice breakfast of bacon and eggs. Finally, I straightened up the kitchen and started to wash the dishes. And – there it was!
I do not typically buy myself jewellery – if I was to buy jewellery, I probably would not buy it on sale – at Walmart. But I loved this little ring and I always love seeing it sit on my kitchen windowsill, just sparkling and shining and making my day a little more beautiful.
Since January 1st of this year, I have been committed to focussing on peace. I have written pages and pages of positive affirmations relative to peace. I have walked miles and miles around our neighbourhood and through our local park, focussing on the peaceful ambiance of nature. I try to keep peace a part of my day from morning to night.
Recently, I have felt that my life has become more peaceful. I am getting better at accepting the things I cannot change. I am becoming more patient. I tend to be less anxious and I worry less than I used to. As a bonus, my physical health has been improving, which makes me feel better over-all.
It seems even the people around me are less anxious and stressed than they were in the past. Maybe I was just projecting my stress onto them? Either way, life seems more peaceful.
Until a few nights ago… Suddenly I had a dream about my ex-inlaws. I dreamt that they came to celebrate Christmas with us. I have not had any contact with them for many years. I seldom think of them. Nonetheless, I dreamt they showed up for Christmas. I was so angry, hateful and cruel to them that even in my dream I was shocked at how mean and nasty and terrible I was. I woke up feeling horrid for how I treated them in my dream.
I have no idea what that was all about. I do not know if I was unconsciously releasing all of my pent up unpeaceful thoughts and emotions. I certainly do not know why I would have spewed it all at my ex-inlaws. They have never been my favourite people but I have certainly known people I had more reason to hate on.
Emotions are so strange. Memories, dreams, or even fictional stories about fictional people can overwhelm us with joy or grief, anger, or fear. That is wierd and unsettling in a way. How we feel often guides us to what we say or how we act. But what about when our feelings are not even remotely based on our actual circumstances? Then what are they for? Hmmm….